Quell Grudges

Holding on to anger for a long period of time is harmful to our health. Momentary anger is not the same and long-term feelings of anger directed at the same person for the same incident. But how do we forgive and move on.

Quick Story

It was in 2014 that I realized my parents did the best they could with what they had inside them. Did I live a perfect childhood? No. do I still have some parts of me that wish some things were different? Yes. But I forgive them for my perceived injustices. I know that one day I will need my children to forgive me. I will want them to forgive me, not only for their own health, but for my emotional well-being.

Turns out my parents were regular human beings just like me, trying to navigate the world they live in, just like me. The life we all live, the challenges we all face as human beings on this earth impact everyone in our circle, especially the loved ones in our circle. Knowing that this human experience is simultaneously so unique, special, and mysterious makes me catch myself when I look back with a longing for something to have happened differently.

If and when I look back at my relationship with my parents, I try to continue to understand and realize they made some errors and could use a little grace and forgiveness energy aimed at them. And for me, I need to release and let go. My parental journey is not without blemishes, so I'd do well to forgive so that I can be forgiven. I guess I can say forgiving someone is selfish. I know holding on to anger can hurt me physically and mentally. And I know that having my children not forgive me would bring me much pain. I know this wasn't a story-more of a revelation.

What we know so far...

"People can deal with injustices in many ways. They don’t have to decide to forgive, and they don’t necessarily need to change their emotions. But if they don’t change their response in some way, unforgiveness can take its toll on physical, mental, relational, and even spiritual health. By contrast, new research suggests that forgiveness can benefit people’s health.

In one study, Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet, a psychologist at Hope College, asked people to think about someone who had hurt, mistreated, or offended them. While they thought about this person and their past offense, she monitored their blood pressure, heart rate, facial muscle tension, and sweat gland activity. To ruminate on an old transgression is to practice unforgiveness. Sure enough, in Witvliet’s research, when people recalled a grudge, their physical arousal soared. Their blood pressure and heart rate increased, and they sweated more. Ruminating about their grudges was stressful, and subjects found the rumination unpleasant. It made them feel angry, sad, anxious, and less in control. Witvliet also asked her subjects to try to empathize with their offenders or imagine forgiving them. When they practiced forgiveness, their physical arousal coasted downward. They showed no more of a stress reaction than normal wakefulness produces."

The New Science of Forgiveness | Greater Good

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Activity

Journal entry: Who can I forgive? Can I change my perspective on the situation? Do I need to forgive but also get out of the situation?

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Quotes and Interpretations

We cannot expect forgiveness while holding grudges.

People often grudge others what they cannot enjoy themselves. Aesop

Living while holding grudges takes a toll on our very existence. As you forgive, you lighten your life.

Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs. Charlotte Bronte

To be wronged is nothing, unless you continue to remember it.  Confucius

Forgiving may not be easy, but it is powerful in that forgiveness frees us emotionally.

Don’t waste your peace and happiness waiting for the wrongdoers to apologize.

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. Plato

According to Dr. Frederic Luskin, founder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, “holding onto a grudge really is an ineffective strategy for dealing with a life situation that you haven’t been able to master.” In a recent New York Times article, Luskin explained that, “whenever you can’t grieve and assimilate what has happened, you hold it in a certain way. If it’s bitterness, you hold it with anger. If it’s hopeless, you hold it with despair. But both of those are psycho-physiological responses to an inability to cope, and they both do mental and physical damage.” Forbes.com

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